In my veins
by NightlyEvilTM
Summary: She never thought she'd end up here, but she did and she is... content. But one phone call changes everything. Post finale.
1. Him

A.N. Please, while reading this chapter be careful to pay attention on how the words 'HE' and 'HIM' are written, because it does matter if it's _he_ or **he**, _him_ or **him.**

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><p><em>Nothing goes as planned<em>

_Everything will break_

_People say goodbye_

_In their own special way_

_All that you rely on_

_And all that you can fake_

_Will leave you in the morning_

_But find you in the day_

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><p>That night she had the house for herself since she moved in 1 year ago. So she decided to pamper herself – bubble bath, nice meal, and then a drink with some music in the living room. She was now, 14 years later, sitting on that same couch they had sat on back when they had dropped the bomb. Who would've thought?<p>

She never thought life would turn that way – her life, her friends' lives… Everything.

She never thought she'd get married. Sure, she buried that locket to be her 'something old' one day, but she never believed that day would come. Not really. In the end, she had said 'yes' three times to three different men, got married twice.

She never thought she'd even consider having kids. Then she found out she was infertile and then, when children weren't an option anymore, she found herself picturing them: a boy with his dad's blonde hair and bright smile and always present suit, and a girl with her mom's long wavy brown hair and slender figure. On top of that, after she had finally made peace with never having kids, she found herself ready to give up everything to be the mother of a certain beautiful baby girl. Then she became the definitely-not-evil stepmother of two teenagers.

She never thought she'd end up here. Married to _him_, living in _this_ house. Most of her life she thought she'd end up alone. Then at some point she did think she wanted to end up with _him_ – but then of course she realized it was a mistake. Then she thought she'd end up with **him**. Actually, she was sure about that, despite the fears and insecurities she had at some points. Then they fell apart and she felt her whole life was falling apart. And it was. After that of course she started thinking of _him_ again, longing for him, because _he_ had always been there for her in all those years, because _he_ had always loved her, because _he_ was making her feel safe. But _he_ by then had found the perfect girl and had an amazing daughter. So she gave up on the idea of_ him_. She watched _him_ get married and she realized she was so happy for _him_ and also – she was absolutely free of _him_. And then **his** eyes met hers and she was back to seven years ago on that rooftop while **he** was holding her. But soon her hopes were ripped apart again and she was sure she was going to end up alone. And then, 18 months ago, after years of solitude, work, tragedies, getting dogs again, _he_ showed up holding that amazing, stupid, romantic, idiot thing, smiling at her, wearing the same clothes as that first night. And she laughed. Because it was just so surprising, so silly, so romantic, so _him_. And she loved _him_ for that. She did. Maybe not in the right way, but she did _love him_, and she knew it was now ok to do this. With _him_. The rest happened as expected – taking it slow at first, then moving in, proposal, wedding and the married life.

It was not what she expected but she was content.

The sound of her ringtone was what took her from the trance of her own thoughts.

"Hello."

"Hey, Robin."


	2. But I always will

**AN. Here is chapter 2. I gotta warn you - this ain't gonna be some happy story. It is gonna be sad, tragic and full of angst and love. So it is up to you if you decide to stay with me. I was listtening to the somg "Poison and Wine" by The Civil Wars while writing this, so I strongly recomend it while reading this. **

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><p><em>I don't love you<em>

_But I always will_

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><p>"Hey, Robin."<p>

To say Robin was surprised to hear his voice would be an understatement. Barney was calling her late at night, after probably years of no phone call, after no talk between the two of them that lasted longer than 30 seconds in what seemed like eternity?! Something had to be seriously wrong.

"Barney… Is everything ok?"

For a few seconds he stayed silent. She could almost sense him troubling over what to say.

"Robin, can you come over? Please… I have to talk to you."

She knew she was supposed to say 'no', or at least think twice about it. She knew it she was supposed to, but instead, she said:

"I will be there in a few minutes."

Because it was him – it was Barney, and when it came to him she didn't give a damn what she was supposed to do.

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><p>Robin stood in front of the door of his apartment that was once theirs. Her heart skipped a beat remembering all those moments they shared there, but she shook the feeling and knocked on the door. In just a few seconds Barney opened, his face so blanc Robin shivered.<p>

"Thank you so much for coming. I know it's late, and I bet Ted is mad, but…"

"Barney, can we just get inside and talk?"

He moved so that she could walk in and Robin took a look at the 'Fortress of Barnitude' as he used to call it. She couldn't believe how much it had changed. Well, she had seen some changes back in 2020, but now, it was different. Now, there were stuffed toys, there were photos on the fridge and in the shelves. And the painful part was that it was a good change. But she knew she couldn't think about that, she had to find out what was wrong. So she sat there. He poured them both scotch without even asking her. On the rocks, with just the right amount of ice – he still remembered.

"Barney, please, tell me what is it. You are scaring me."

He took one last look at his glass, sighed and then looked her in the eyes.

"Robin, on our wedding day almost 20 years ago, I vowed to always be honest with you. Since then a lot has happened, and I know we have been divorced for such a long time. Hell, now you are married to my best friend. But that vow I made – to me, it is forever. It doesn't matter if we are married or not, if we talk every day or once in a few years – I will always be honest with you. And that is the reason I called you."

Robin was fighting back the tears. It was just too much, to hear all those words, to know that vow still meant something to Barney after everything. Because it still meant the world to her.

"I just flew back from Minnesota – that's actually why Ellie is with James and Tom tonight. I went to meet with a doctor in the Mayo Clinic."

"Wait, Barney, why would you go to Minnesota to see a doctor? There are plenty of fine hospitals and doctors here in New York. And why did you need a doctor in the first place?"

"I went there to get a second opinion. And I got references from my doctor here."

"Second opinion? Barney, what is going on? Why would you double check? Oh my God, is it Ellie?"

"No, thank God, it is not her. It's me. I'm dying, Robin."

After that he started telling her some details and some medical stuff which she didn't hear, it all blurred out. The words that kept spinning in her mind were 'I'm dying' – repeating again and again and again in her mind like a mantra. Then she realized what they meant – Barney Stinson was dying. At that moment she just pulled him into a tight hug, let the tears flow and whispered:

"You can't die on me! You can't leave me, Barney! You just can't!"

He hugged her back just as tight, and she could feel him shaking too.

"I wish I could, Robin."

She pulled away and looked into his eyes. She could still read him like a book. She could see him was scared and angry and sad.

"Are they sure, Barney? I mean, it's 2032. Medicine is improving every second…"

"And yet, it is not advanced enough to help stage IV melanoma that has spread to stomach, liver and kidneys. I saw the two top oncologists in the country. They are giving me 4 decent months or 8 to 10 crappy months if I do chemo. I obviously prefer the 4 good months."

"NO! Barney, you have to try! Maybe you will react better to the chemo, or maybe they will find something else in those 10 months! Think about Ellie, Barney!"

"I am thinking about her, Robin! I am thinking only of her! And I don't want her to spend months in hospital visits to a dad who is too weak to even hug her and her last memories of me to be associated with tubes all over my body. I want her to remember me playing with her, taking her to the zoo, holding her as she sleeps. Chemo or not, I am gonna leave her parentless. I just want her to have _**me**_ those last months, not some weak copy of me that can't even eat by himself."

At this point Robin could see the tears sparkling in his eyes too but Barney, the stubborn man he was, refused to let them fall.

"I want this to be my last gift to her, Robin. I am so pissed and so afraid. Not for me, for her. She doesn't have her mother, I had to raise her on my own. And as screwed up as I am, Ellie at least knew I would always be there. But now I am gonna leave her too. So hate me if you want, but I at least want her to have those last good memories instead of watching my prolonged agony."

"But what if they find something soon? What if you miss a chance of having not 4 months, but years ahead, Barney? You have to try! You have to! For Ellie, for yourself, for our friends! Hell, you have to try for me, Barney!"

"Robin…"

"No! Listen to me, Barney – years ago, we both gave up without trying, really trying. And I regret that every day of my life ever since. But this time, you can't give up. Because I can live with hardly being in your life, but I can't live without you in this world. I just can't."

Barney was looking at her silently, stunned by the words she had said, the way she said them. From her heart. Because now she realized she had no time and she had to stop pretending. She had worn a mask for the last 16 years, it was enough.

"I know I was the one that decided to go away and be distant. I know I am the one that got remarried. And I have no right to say those things, Barney, but… I can't think. Right now I can just feel and finally be honest with myself and with you. And the truth is that I always regret not fighting harder. And I always miss you. And I can't imagine a world where you don't exist, Barney. That world… It won't be my world, Barney! So I need you to promise me you will fight as hard as you can. I know I am just your ex – wife, but I hope I still matter to you. But if I don't, think about all the other people in your life. Think about Lily, Marshall, the kids! Ted – he lost his wife and now his best friend?! And James – first your mom, now you? And what about Ellie, Barney? You are not just a dad to her, you are her whole world – you are a father, a protector, a best friend. Please, Barney, I am begging you – do not give up, please…"

She was crying and shaking, her voice went from high to a barely audible whisper as her strength was leaving her with every word. Because the mere though of him leaving her in 4 short months was… exhausting, unbearable…

Barney put his hand on her cheek and turned her face to him. He smiled a little and said:

"You will never be just an ex-wife, Robin."

Then she kissed him. And it was like she had never stopped kissing him – their moves still moved perfectly together, it still had that same warmth and passion. And yet it felt like a first kiss in over a million years. After it ended (way too soon) Barney rested his forehead against hers.

"Robin, we can't. I love Ted, and so do you. And he is your husband."

She looked at him, screaming at him with her eyes that she didn't care, that in her heart she had only one husband in those almost 20 years. But she just said:

"Can we just go to sleep?"

He nodded, stood up, offered her his hand and led her to what used to be the room Robin though she'd go to sleep and wake up in till the day she would die. Then he laid her to the bed and laid next to her, holding her close to him.


End file.
